I suppose it is surprising to have taken this long to get a message from another girl on a dating site but this morning it happened.. she kindly gave me some helpful advice on the pictures I have up on the profile:
"Hunni you could do with a few more full length piccies, i mean how on earth is a girl supposed to know if she wants to turn you or not ;)?"
Sadly this young lady (24!) is out of luck apart from my current girl crush in Margaery Tyrell in Game of Thrones I will not be switching sides…
This absolute charmer messaged me last night. I mean how could a girl possibly resist that. For a 28 year old his grasp of the English language really is quite something.
"Hi babes what u upto u look awsum head to toe like ur legs n feet baby what u doin this wexxxxxxxxeknd xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx whats ur name xxxxxxxxxxx"
Just reading that message makes me feel like hitting him. Bad spelling, text speak and pet names all in one compact message.
Sorry it has been a while since I updated this, there has been a lack of entertaining messages. But do not fear! They seem to be picking up again.
This arrived in my inbox last night:
"hellooooooooooooooooo! can i squeeze ur hair like a sponge?? does it make the same sound?? dont worry just trying to make u laugh and i am not insane yet hehe ;)can i know ur hairdresser? just to tell u that i have a soft spot for ur hair! have a nice weekend!!find out more in my profile ;)"
A little concerned this one may scalp me and wear my hair as a wig… I think I will pass on that one.
I have this picture on my dating profile in a vague attempt to weed out the people who are going to message me in text speak:
Which has led to this message:
"People get too hung up on grammar. Language is a tool, a method for expressing
yourself, not a set of rules. All mediums of expression have guidelines. Van Gogh
wasn’t a genius because of the perfect spacing of his brush strokes…
If people are using language well i.e. it is representative of their thoughts and
feelings… then don’t worry if they misuse a comma or heaven forbid use the wrong
form of there.
…that’s my 2 cents.”
'Creativity' does not excuse text speak…
It’s been a while since I logged on to the dating site so I was quite surprised to find this waiting for me.. I must confess I have NO idea what this guy is going on about. He has kind of gone to the other extreme to the “Hi u R Sexy” guys.
"I read your profile and thought that it was a brilliant representation of
Heidegger’s journey through nihilism (namely, the elusive nature of Dasein as shown
by the corporeal and artistic rendition).
By the end it dissolves into absurdity, creating a Brechtian space in which we see
that you portray your character as lost in the substancelessness of Being.
It also grapples with your struggle of scientific categorization versus nature; the
climactic ending represents Heidegger’s upward struggle that never solves existence.”
Seeing as I very VERY rarely reply to anyone on the dating sites and use them purely for fodder for this blog sometimes the moron decides to send me a second (or is some cases third, fourth fifth, sixth etc. etc. etc) message. I received this one tonight.
"Ok, after writing a nice and whitty message tailored towards you I’d have expected at least a short reply, even if it was to tell me to fuck off. Well you’ve missed your chance. I’m now telling you to fuck off!"
I just don’t know how I am going to cope with this rejection.. I thought he might be the one and that we really might have had something and now that has all been ripped away…. ooh cake.. what was I saying?
I seem to be a beacon to every guy with a foot fetish on these sites this is now my 5th message on a dating site regarding my feet. I have no problem with this but perhaps when using a dating site save the foot worship for the 2nd or 3rd message? Just a thought. Though at least this one is quite well spoken.
"I am a firm believer in Female Supremacy. I would be grateful in giving a long unhurried foot massage to a Goddess like you. When you come back home, after all the stress in the day, why not just call your slave and let him take care of your divine feet. I am discreet, and i worked in beauty parlour serving women, doing foot massage and pedicure. i beg you, please use me. There is no charge for my services, i feel very passionate about being subservient to a Goddess like you. For me, real paradise is under divine feet of a Woman."
This post is not going to be a witty one the most recent dating site moron might actually be the most rude, uneducated, ignorant, small minded, racist…yes I said racist, human being I have EVER had the misfortune to be contacted by. He has sent me three messages only the last of which I have replied to, to inform him of what a pathetic excuse for a human being he really is. So ladies and gentleman I am sorry to introduce you to Sandman2784 from Alabama USA.
What a cunt.
1) “Whats that rather large animal your strattling ever so cautiously? Swearing? Who the fucking son of a shit face donkey ass eating mother of a bastard bitch whore cat do that? Said my grandmother.”
2) “What is there to do in London? I am thinking of going to there. I know traffic sucks. Rats avout shit. Dont care about historical stuff”
3) “you make a good horror queen. I know any girls tattooed freaks me out. Your not bad looking for English. I hate all these fat disgusting women here and all the interracial daters. I am fun and a clown but if something pisses me off i know it. Fat women are gross right? Your just creepy cause your trying to be. But your still very sexy”
I got this email yesterday from someone whose profile says they are 30 for a start so there is the first lie.
"Hi, i am a 28 yrs n live in NW London. I would be very happy if we chat and satisfy ur high sex drive. i LOVE satisfy women and being satisfied. I live alone in a one bedroom flat. If you are interested you can accommodate urself with me for sometime.
I am clean and trust worthy.
IF I DONT SATISFY YOU THEN CALL ME GAY.
I hope we will have a nice time”
Although it is good to know that he is clean and trustworthy I just don’t think I will be accomodating myself with him. Perhaps we can just skip the disappointing sex and I will just call him gay now, not that there is anything wrong with being gay… maybe I will just call him pathetic instead.